Conversing with others

Communication is such an integral part of our daily lives that not only must we be effective communicators, but more importantly, effective listeners as well. Getting people to open up in conversation is important because it allows us to benefit from the insight of others. Although many conversations may have a primarily purpose, I think one significant protocol of getting people to open up in conversation is starting off with simpler and “fun” topics that are easier to relate to. This is necessary, especially if a more personal relationship is desired. It also helps for people to be more relaxed and comfortable with their environment.


Protocol number 1: Getting the other person relaxed and comfortable using simple topics.


We recently just had rush for my business fraternity. Rush consists of three stages: professional, social, and a professional interview by invite. Although we are looking to hear about the rushees’ leadership skills and past experiences during the first couple stages, I usually just find myself talking to potential members about their dorm, wonderful cafeteria food, or their favorite movie. I know the first time I rushed someone as a second semester freshman, I would ask all the questions on the “judging” sheet; now, I realize that each of the above topics helps to bring out who the person truly is, so I think about what these students have in common with me. I know that many of the rushees are often from Illinois—so I can talk to them about their respective high schools. Since Illinois is a big athletic school, I will often bring up the culture of basketball and football games. In addition, I will also relate to students from minority backgrounds. I think one of the best feelings is having a great conversation with someone who you don’t think you can relate to, but realizing that everyone can find common ground. The last class discussion on formalities, name calling, and the cheating system brought up more diverse participation than we have had in the past, and I think this is due to the choice in topic.

I had the opportunity to experience this “common ground” on the other side of the equation, as the many professionals I spoke to this summer would relax and coax me into conversation. This summer during my internship, I went out to lunch everyday with a different professional from the firm. Although I normally consider myself a pretty good conversationalist, talking to a new person everyday on a professional as well as personal level was a great way for me to start “getting comfortable being uncomfortable”, for me to understand that I can feel comfortable even in situations where I am not used to. The professionals I spoke with did I great job helping me start forming a comfort zone. Before discussing accounting business, partners talked to me about their experiences in college, travels, and sometimes we even discussed football rivalries between Illinois and their respective school. (The Illini and I won the bragging rights during each of these conversations, of course). I always find it easy to bring up the orange and blue in conversation because it is something that I’m passionate about, and it’s so easy to be engulfed in something that you are interested in.


Protocol number 2: Cater to the environment you are in. If the person you are speaking to is formal, be formal.

I think it’s important to pay attention to your surroundings. If you are with someone who is talking with a professional demeanor, using formalities, and calling you by Ms. _____, you should do the same. In my opinion, it’s essential to keep in mind the type of person that you are talking to, and their rank in accordance to you. If the person is of higher rank, they are likely taking the lead, and they will set the precedence for you to follow.

This is probably why I, and so many of us, find it easier to talk to our peers or those who are younger than us. We feel as if we have the “rank card” on them so we set the tone for how conversations will run. When we are talking to our seniors, we have to follow their lead, and sometimes the tone is something that we are not comfortable with, especially if protocol number 1 is not followed.

“Seniors”, for most people would include those that are older than them, more educated, or in a higher career level. Although extended relatives may be older, most people feel very comfortable talking to their extended family members. For me, talking to my grandparents, aunts, and uncles, are some of the people I struggle most to talk to. I have only seen many of my aunts and uncles twice in my life, as they are all dispersed throughout the world in China, Hong Kong, London, and some in California. Whenever I’m talking to my grandparents, I don’t know exactly what to talk about or what is appropriate. Although I take pride in my Chinese culture and background, I realize that many of the things I do, the way I live, and even the way I dress are very “Americanized”. Not only is it sometimes a struggle for me to find the appropriate Chinese word to use to communicate my feelings (I probably have the Chinese vocabulary of a 2nd grader), I also avoid starting conversations about a foreign topic. When I was younger, my relatives would push me to talk because they thought I wasn’t speaking because I was shy. Back then, I resented this a little bit. Now I am more open, and it is less of a problem as I have grown into who I am a bit more. I don't worry as much about starting the wrong topic; I know that my actions will show what my words do not communicate.

These experiences, however, have led me to understand more about those who may be uncomfortable or shy. When I sense resistance, I don’t push the person to talk. If they aren’t comfortable, then it’s probably not going to make them feel any more comfortable knowing that you are pushing them. Obviously there are different personality types, but I think that people will speak up when they have something to offer. I know that in some of my classes, teachers will purposely call on the students who don’t look like they are paying attention. I understand that the point of this procedure is to encourage participation and preparation for the class, but some things to consider: would it be better to get a thorough and good answer rather than a nonchalant one? Will getting called on embarrass a student and make them less likely to come to class and learn? How does this benefit the class? As a professor, I would try different methods such as using small groups and checking in to see if those quieter students are participating in that type of environment.

I think speaking up and developing these communication skills are a life-time goal. None of us are perfect in speaking and it is even more difficult to engage others. Although I do not think it is my responsibility to engage someone who is “senior” to me, I often find that I should be engaging those that are younger or at my peer level. I think of it as a teaching experience, so I try the above mentioned protocols. In all honesty though, when all else fails, I make a fool and make fun of myself. This shows a good sense of humor. Plus, if you’re the one being foolish, the person on the other side of the conversation has got to be feeling good about themselves…